Defeat.
Such an ugly word. But we’ve all tasted it. Probably more than once.
In the summer of 2014, I was in ministry, but the situation was beyond stressful. By the time I put in my resignation, I had chronic, debilitating headaches. I would be so scared to go into work that I would throw up before leaving home. This was my third job in ministry, and I was DONE. The first job didn’t end badly, I just got laid off due to the recession in 2008. Another ministry job ended in heartache after the pastor I worked for became inappropriate in his relationship with me (and others). Then came this third job that about broke me. So, on the 4th of July, 2014, I moved back to Colorado to be close to my family. I was burned out and never wanted to be in ministry again.
I wasn’t angry at God, and if you had asked me, I would’ve told you that I loved Jesus. But after moving to Denver, I didn’t go to church and wasn’t obedient in any way to the Word of God. You see, that was a lot of my problem. I let my jobs in ministry be the entirety of my relationship with God. For me, it was all about work and not about relationship. I hardly ever read my Bible or prayed; therefore, I had no foundation or anchor when things got tough (and boy, did they).
Over the course of the next few years, I started drinking heavily and that’s when the defeat came. Being outside the will and protection of God makes you vulnerable to stupid things; and I did some really stupid things. Sinful things. Things I never thought I would ever do. I’m not going to get into details because I think you get the picture. I was living in a spiritual wasteland of my own making, absolutely defeated.
But isn’t it amazing how God can take our worst defeat and turn it into victory?
In the summer of 2018 I was starting to take some tentative steps back toward God. But part of me thought, “Why?” Why would I put myself through this when most of the Christians I knew looked like everyone else in the world? There was no difference. Why did Christians look like everyone else with all the same addictions and issues as everyone else? Where were the miracles that the Bible talks about? Where was the power? All these questions began stirring in my heart but I had no real answers; except I knew the “charismatics” liked weird stuff, so I thought I’d check there first.
It was around this same time that I started watching a pastor online. He was an Assemblies of God minister who spoke it tongues and talked about the Holy Spirit. I thought it was pretty different, but I was into it. Before all this, I just thought the Holy Spirit was some ethereal fairy-type spirit. (Yes, I know, I can’t believe I graduated with a Bachelor’s in Ministry either. But honestly, I didn’t do well in systematic theology and that’s the only class I really remember the Holy Spirit being talked about to any great extent.) This pastor had been diagnosed with cancer and was bravely fighting while still pastoring his church. His faith was on fire and he believed for his healing. It was such a testimony to me after walking through my mom’s (short) battle with cancer and her subsequent death. One Sunday afternoon, after watching one of his sermons, I remember laying in my bed and saying something like, “Holy Spirit, if you’re really there, show me. I want to know you.” Within 24 hours, I could tell something was different. I presence that wasn’t there before. I started reading Robert Morris’s book, The God I Never Knew, and began to try to learn as much as I could. It was a whole new reality for me. For the first time in a long time, maybe ever, I had hope. I no longer felt like I was alone. I no longer felt like I had to earn God’s love; the presence of His Holy Spirit assured me of that.
It was like I had the wind at my back.
Within a few weeks of this, my dad had gone down the street to our local mall and was greeted by some young men who were praying for people. My dad was about to have open heart surgery and they prayed over him. He began speaking with them and found out they were from a local church. They were just hanging out at the mall offering to pray with anyone who wanted prayer. My dad came home that night and told be about it. He said, “Hey, that might be a church you’re interested in. They’re actually out living their faith in the community.” This did appeal to me, and I looked up the church. Turns out, it was just the charismatic, Spirit-filled community I needed and I’ve been there for almost six years now. They immediately embraced me for who I was and where I was at. A few months later, they even hired me. So, after swearing off ministry several years earlier, I stepped back in. But this time was different. I had the power of the Holy Spirit to help me–to guide my steps and my hands. I no longer had to rely on myself–I couldn’t rely on myself. I wasn’t in ministry because I was trying to earn God’s love; I was in ministry because I knew He loved me and I wanted to be obedient to Him. I started reading my Bible, my prayer life picked up, and I have been discipled by some of the most amazing Christian people I know. I’m still learning and growing; and I hope I never reach the end of the learning and growing. I still do stupid stuff, but instead of giving up and living in defeat, I run back to the Father. A few weeks ago, my pastor said, “We are only a prayer away from our redemption.” I love this. I doesn’t mean we take advantage of grace, it simply means we confess and start over.
I am gobsmacked by God’s grace, His mercy, and His plan for me. I can’t believe His still chooses to use me after what I’ve done, but I’m here for it. I’m absolutely here for it.
Maybe you’ve felt defeated, too. I want to encourage you to seek the Holy Spirit. If you’ve never been Spirit-filled, drop me an email and I’ll tell you more about it. Until then, here are some verses to meditate on when it looks like defeat is imminent:
“Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.” Joshua 1:9
Wait for the Lord;
be strong and take heart
and wait for the Lord. Psalm 27:14
“So do not fear, for I am with you;
do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you;
I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” Isaiah 41:10
“You will go out in joy
and be led forth in peace;
the mountains and hills
will burst into song before you,
and all the trees of the field
will clap their hands.” Isaiah 55:12
For the Spirit God gave us does not make us timid, but gives us power, love and self-discipline. 2 Timothy 1:7